My Mundane Mid-Life Archives

My Dad

Damn damn damn damn damn....

As a kid there are a few things you don't want to hear about your parents.

A year ago I heard one of them. "Cancer." My dad had a laryngectomy. He no longer speaks and has a hole in his throat to breathe. He's just starting to use an electrolarynx to try to communicate.

Today I heard more words that you don't want to hear.

"Hospice Care" and "Six months".

Crap. The end is coming and I just can't put anything into words. I knew this day would come. I thought there was more time - time that can't be made up.

At least both of my parents handled all of this very well. Dad didn't want chemotherapy, so he knew the consequences. The cancer has spread to the lymph nodes around his neck. Chemo would just slow it down or maybe halt its growth. Is it worth it to be violently sick for month to extend your life by, what, maybe and additional 6 months? Delay the inevitable and be miserable? He has no pain, he hasn't lost weight, he doesn't have any breathing problems. He's just old - 88. There's no doubt about it in my eyes - he knows. He really liked the idea of hospice care, and he actually smiled when there was discussion of being at home "when the time comes". Mom just liked the concept of having people come to the house regularly and not having to go to Loyola on a regular basis.

Me - I'm numb. Everything inside my brain says this is right. I understand everything. It all makes sense. This is expected. This isn't a surprise.

Then why does my heart hurt?

posted at 03:40 PM | Link | Family | § |

Comments on this entry

Well, I know why your heart hurts, don't you? Sometimes, even when things are right, they're not right. People like to say that death is a part of living. But they say it to put a good face on a bad situation. That we, and those we love, die is a bad situation! Sure, it's "necessary," whatever that means. A few years ago, my step-father, whom I regard as my father, period, chose to stop fighting his congestive heart failure and kidney failure (he'd been on dialysis for over a year; it wore him out), and we waited and watched as he slowly gave way in the hospital. It's something to actually watch a loved-one die, imprints itself into one's memory. But he'd suffered a lot and knew where he was going after this life. Yeah, sometimes, even when things are right, they're not, and there's nothing we can do about it.

MNW

Posted by Michael Nickels-Wisdom at August 21, 2002 08:51 AM

{{{Michael}}}

Posted by Kate at August 22, 2002 01:12 AM

Then why does my heart hurt?

Because he's your dad.

I've never been to your site before, but I feel the devastation of your news. As our parents age, we attempt to prepare ourselves for the inevitable, but we can never really be ready for it.

You are in my prayers.

Posted by Susan at August 22, 2002 09:37 PM